That’s not a threat. And yes I’m aware the site’s title is no longer relevant.
I hope the Olympics provided some distraction from the tedious summer without my blog. I know at least two fans who have been waiting anxiously for it. A blog described by some as ‘a distraction from work I suppose’ and others as ‘better than Prometheus’. Suddenly it’s time for the Royal Parks half-marathon on Sunday and obviously with plenty of training time since the marathon I’m entirely ready. That was the plan anyway but with work, moving and generally a ridiculously tiring few months training has been poor. I haven’t even practiced avoiding swans and stray crowns or palaces so it could be tricky.
It’s a half-marathon, so appropriately this blog will be half as good as last time. My average pace still hasn’t got near pre-marathon training levels yet. Having reflected on the race for a while it seems obvious the problem was. I trained well and knew what pace I could run the distance at, yet on the day with 35,000 people in front me, it was a couple of hours of walk/sprint with little in between. By the halfway point I was frustrated and exhausted, and my 4-hour marathon hopes went out the window.
I’m not quite sure what the solution is. Train with 35,000 people? Alternatively become fast enough to actually be put near the front….or become famous enough to get my own start point. I’ll be sure to work on both of those, but my other tactic is to try a different marathon. Not least because I failed to get in the London marathon for 2013. Does anyone get in without a charity place, really? I may still decide to do it and raise more funds although I won’t be pestering the same people every year or I’ll end up friendless, depressed and writing blogs to myself. Then sponsoring myself to run around the room.
I’ll be taking part in the Milton Keynes marathon next year, partly because it’s not as busy, it’s very flat and I’ve always dreamed of seeing Milton Keynes. I’ll also be applying for Berlin and Paris so it might be a busy year. It makes up for spending the majority of life sat in an office though. I have the Great South Run in a few weeks too, so I’ll need some severe training as I brace myself for a trip to Portsmouth.
Don’t worry, there is a chance to sponsor me again, I know many of you were hoping there would be. I’m still raising funds for Mind for this race and the Great South Run. It’s all together on one page and my target is £350. The good news is, I already have £300, so it’s not exactly the same stress as last time, although I’d still have written this if I needed a pound.
If you are one of the many, many people who sponsored me for the marathon don’t feel you have to give more. If anyone didn’t get round to sponsoring last time, or simply hasn’t known what to do with all their money all summer then a couple of quid would be great. As always I’ll be trying to raise as much as possible for a good cause regardless of the target. For some reason my blog hasn’t yet managed to cure all mental illness so it has to keep going. Fortunately as a TV analyst I forecast depression will be eradicated by 2017 when mass-exposure to mind-numbing TV kills off the capacity for introspection.
Like me I’m sure many of you were inspired by the Olympics. Inspired not to go out running because the Olympics were on TV. Inspired to stay in, watch the entertainment unfold and have some chips. So far from the summer of training I’d planned, I still haven’t recovered from the first half of the marathon, and have put on weight. Don’t keep up the 4,000 calories a day once you’ve stopped running. It’ll all be fine though because I bought some Team GB shorts.
Still, I very much enjoyed the summer of sport and quasi-racist generalisations. ‘Why are white people so much better at equestrian?’ etc. Clearly Kenyan tribes have little talent for sailing either. And of course, white 100 metre Olympians are only faster than 99.998% of the planet, rather than the 99.999% of the final. Another victory for logic. I’ve always wondered whether the ‘black people are faster’ geniuses believe it’s a case of the blacker you are, the faster you are. Odd really because Darth Vader was pretty slow.
My only recommendations for next time would be merging equestrian and archery to liven things up a bit. And of course, that all the people taking a few weeks off to avoid the Olympics didn’t bother coming back. It was a happier place.
The highlight was a Somali immigrant winning a gold medal for Great Britain in an event that couldn’t have confused the Daily Mail more.
What else has happened since the marathon………Saints secured promotion to the Promised Land of higher ticket prices and weekly defeats. That was good. England lost on penalties because they spend every year emphasising the fact that they’ll lose on penalties. Matt Le Tissier with a 50 ft goal and no keeper would still miss once he’d seen that pizza advert for the tenthtime. But perhaps it’s best for the country to come together and rejoice in that precious moment when John Terry and Ashley Cole are really unhappy. Even the racists were a bit concerned about having Terry linked to them. He’s not anyway. For years he’s clearly demonstrated aggressive, unhinged, unsportsmanlike lunacy irrespective of race, nationality or religion. He’s like Joey Barton before he learned to read.
It was famously said that if you had an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters they’d eventually write the complete works of Shakespeare. Sadly thus far they’ve only managed 50 Shades of Grey, The World According to Clarkson and Joey Barton’s Twitter account.
I think we can all agree it’s comforting to get away from the spirit of the Olympics and back to the good old fashioned world of multi-millionaire Twitterers kicking a ball. And more annoyingly friends demanding sponsorship for choosing to run around a field for a few hours in the name of charity. I’m yet to be convinced of the benefits of Twitter, although Mind provides helpful advice on there. It’s probably the only place where people seem to be more paranoid about not being followed.
What else has happened….the French press retaliated to disturbing rumours of Britain sending them Joey Barton, by making the outlandish claim that members of the monarchy may have nipples like the rest of us. Some people were outraged; the right wing press complained about media intrusion and irony died forever. Others anticipated how Pippa might upstage her this time and pondered if sending Ashley Cole to Paris St Germain might raise the stakes.
Having moved to Clapham recently I can’t even complain about a lack of opportunity to train. At least not for future events. I may have to cut down the late night runs around Clapham Common before I get a reputation though. I’ve even experimented with running in the morning before work so events aren’t such a shock. Increasingly I find myself late for work despite having an easier journey than ever. I say easy, but it does involve rush hour Northern Line. I’d like to know what people do in the 1 or 2 minutes gained by defying the laws of physics to clinically insert themselves into the packed carriage. This morning one attempted the vertical Twister technique while holding a ‘Venti ‘Americano. Disregard for tube behaviour only eclipsed by Roy Hodgson.
Right, as usual my blog has gone on 25% longer than is fun. Sunday morning, 930am, Hyde Park. Think of me, and if you’re feeling generous, donate some money.